How the F*ck do I Make Friends as an Adult?!
Maybe you just moved to a new city and are looking for community. Maybe you outgrew old relationships and are ready for something different. Maybe you’re lonely and just want to hangout with a group on the weekends. Whatever the reason, you’re not alone.
Making friends as an adult has become increasingly difficult in the past few years. I could go on and on about why that might be (virtual work settings, burnout, existential dread, etc.), but ultimately it’s led many folks to feel lonely. The question of how to create healthy, sustainable adult friendships is a theme that comes up often in my work with clients. It’s also something I’ve navigated as an introverted, Highly Sensitive person. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some ideas.
First things first. When you think about friendship, what does that word mean to you?
Is a friend the person you call after a hard day? Someone that joins you at the movies? Figure out when and how do you feel most connected and fulfilled in friendships.
What are your values? How might these inform where/how you make and sustain friendships?
Second, sit in the discomfort. If you’re lucky, you’ll meet someone and become fast friends. But for most people, it really takes time to develop a felt sense of safety/connection. In grade school, you meet a new friend the first day, and a few weeks later you’re wearing matching friendship bracelets…because your lives are synced. You go to the same school, have the same teachers, same routines, maybe even the same after school activities. An opportunity to bond quickly under shared circumstances and experiences. Fast forward…now it’s difficult to even find a couple overlapping days to meet up! All of that to say, making friends as an adult is an opportunity to practice patience.
Ok, so you’ve gotten clear about what you want and have embraced the awkwardness. Now it’s time to brainstorm where you’ll meet them!
If you connect best through shared activities/experiences, you might explore:
Social sports leagues
Volunteer work
Community spaces that allow for informal connection (think gyms, libraries, coffee shops, etc.)
If you connect best in small groups, you might explore:
Book clubs
Workshops or classes focused on your interests
Opportunities to participate with: your neighborhood association, a spiritual community/space, professional organizations, etc.
If groups aren’t your thing, you might try:
Social Apps (like Bumble BFF)
Online forums (think Discord, Patreon, etc.) where you can branch out from the comfort of your home. Virtual friendships are valid! If you prefer to meet IRL one day, try searching for location-specific online spaces.
The relationship you have with yourself is the longest one you’ll have. So along the way, be sure to offer yourself some gentleness, patience, and compassion. You’re worthy of care and connection.
